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Friday, April 11th, 2008
Time:
2:33 pm.
Whenever I'm bummed, I watch American Beauty, cuz it reminds me everything is beautiful. But even that movie, dancing unicorns & rainbows could not make me think anything is more than shit. I sincerely wish I wasn't home for my family's return last night.
+ A woman showed me where her finger got cut in half the night before, then left me an 8 dollar tip. + I cuddled with a sweet, handsome gentleman +Roy made me a delicious batch of baked spinach + I realized Fozzie Bear from The Muppets has the same humor as Stella (SO not funny, it's funny) + I'm making decent money.
Life has been sweet this past week.
Plus, these things make me happy instantaniously.. -Seagull caws -Barefoot wines -Palm trees - Cinnamon ice cream -Constant Supply of Milk -A Genuine Bear Huge -Drew's Ear Wiggle -Andrea's Dance Face
I don't even think it's a "coming-of-age" thing, it's just one of those silly things that constantly occurs and you are not aware of it until a certain point. I remember when my parents were talking about my great aunt and uncle loved each other, but had their own boyfriend and girlfriend on the side (who are also happily married) and they both were fully aware of it. They'd like all go bowling together and shit. I didn't realize how leniant monogamy was up until that point. And I didn't realize that until I was 18!!! That's way too old to finally realize the fairy tale ain't accurately portrayed. The prince and princess had bastard children in different area codes and lovers on the side. I mean, I've always known infidelity existed, but for both spouses to be comfortable and hang with the others lover?!?! Wooowz. Anyways, I learned another thing that shook my understanding of human behavior/relations. Even the most sensible, responsible friends of mine, whom I hold in high regard and with respect...do the occassional slip up. And those slip ups are drugs and unprotected sex. I'm totally not judging people who do these things from time to time...I just NEVER knew that pretty much everyone does it...sometimes. I mean, people with grounded morals and a good head on their shoulders...sometimes takes ecstasy or has unprotected sex with not their boyfriend of a bajillion years...WHAT?!?! Like...really? I really ain't saying it's gross...it's just like the married couple with their other companions..I never knew it was a reality. I find it odd that people shake their head at my blackouts and drunken antics...yet they've endangered their well being just as much or worse! So mines usually in the public eye, but usually at most it's just embarassing the next day when I hear how retarded I acted. But...man, I vomit a little in my mouth when I even think of drugs. I hate that I hate them so much, because a lot of people I care about do them sometimes and I hate being a judgey wudgey when I have my own flaws and vices...it just really sickens me. I've pretty much tried pot twice because I figured I couldn't knock it til I tried it, but I hated it, just like I thught I would. I just wanted to eat a fuckload and go to sleep. It was lame. Granted, apparently some people say it stimulates them, so good for them. But I just find the whole culture to be gross, fascinating yes, but still gross. And not protecting yourself in intercourse?!? People that's just crazy! That shit freaks me out. I don't even think it's gross, it's just....scary. And like I said, I ain't judging. It is just one of those things that I was never aware of until recently. I would say I'm being being contradictive, because I'm a borderline lush...but for some reason, in my eyes..I would never, ever slip up in those two categories. I may not have many morals (especially in relationships), but those are like two solid no-no's that I would never ever ever do. CCCRRRAAAZZZZYYYY
Im 21 years old, I should be over chronicling my feelings via the internet, but hey. Give me a break...of that kit kat bar.
My 2 weeks in Brooklyn was wonderful, I almost wish it didn't happen, because now I'm even more heartbroken that I'm not there. Ofcourse it kicked my ass with a court summons and 3 parking tickets, but me and Brooklyn were never the best of friends. My girls are the greatest people in the world. If I could somehow aquire a castle in Italy, I would give my family a wing, Jena a wing, and Mari a wing. And probably Sara a leg or a breast. Yuk yuk yuk. Then Marshall, me and the kids would live in tents in the front yard. That'd be paradise for me.
It's so silly and pathetic of me that I got rid of someone I love over jealousy. But I have come to the conclusion that you must always weigh the pros and cons of a relation/friend-ship. (Maybe I'd rather live on a ship) and literally find out with side is heavier. I don't need perfection from people, I'm a fucking mess, that'd be silly of me. But the ship just has to have a grain of pros more than cons. That's all. And I discovered that the friendship I ended hurt me more than it benefited me. And it's not even fair to her for me to be her friend. I'd always have a grudge against her, because of my foolish and entirely overwhelming jealousy. I've had a good friend be jealous of me and therefore take it out on me, put me down so she felt a little better about herself. But I don't want to do that to someone I love so dearly. She doesn't deserve it. So avoidance is the road I am seeking. It's a very well worn road of mine.
Buffalo is definitely a Debbie Downer for me. No sight of the sun EVER. Basically only one friend(but she is the twinkle in my eye). Same places worn thin. Shitty shopping. I do although have the best family in the world and we drink every night and ask each other the same questions over and over because we black out (apparently it runs in the family) every night. And I made the Honors program at school. Being productive is god awful lonely, I tell you. But I'm going to I'm going to push through this until I come up with a conclusion about what the fuck I want to do after.
I knew exactly what I wanted to do when I graduated high school and now..I'm ambivelant...idle. I mean, I'm making good progress in school, but I have no idea what specific field I want to go into. Photography is my passion, but I don't know if I want to do it as work. I've found I'm very interested in sculpture, but I'm not sure my talent matches my enthusiasm.
Whenever I get butterflies (which is RARE), I think of Michael Showalter in Wet Hot saying, "This feels SO good" to Janeane Garofalo. And then I can't help but feel like an idiot.
PS- Im up to Medium level FINALLY on Guitar Hero II.
Im going to be in Buffalo for literally 3 days. I want to see Jenny, Missy, Gene, Michael Pitkin, Marshall & Sean Kader. Im OBVIOUSLY going to be kickin it with the Casion family, Jena, Nora & Cait the entire excursion. But I need crucial hang bro down time with those loverly listed people. Make it happen, late May. I miss you all.
Family is the number one most important thing in my life.
I only truely respect & fear the opinions of my blood (& Mrs.Parks).
And I am seriously sick & tired of letting people financially rape my family.
Seriously, they are comfortable. Im not going to lie. But that doesn't mean they aren't up to their fucking ears in debt. Between house restorations, fundraising shit, Drew, me, my grandparents..they've got their plate full & I truely have to stop giving others their money. I have no right & I haven't seen a cent back from any of them.
We're talking thousands of dollars here.
And when I think about it, it makes me sick to my stomach. I feel violated. But even more so ashamed, cuz I let these fuckers take it. Hell, sometimes I offer it.
Yes, there are some people I don't mind lending to, because I know theyre good for it. And they know theyre good for it.
But shit, Im pissed off.
It may be in part to the fact that Im broke right now myself & no one's lending a hand. Theyre just asking.
It may also be in part to the fact that Ive been having to much empty fun & spending stupid amounts of money getting drunk.
It may be due to the fact that Im kind of really miserable right now with absolutely no one to talk to (cuz the people I can talk to ie. best friend, mom..are going through wwaaayy heavier shit than me right now).
But Im stoked on two things: Im working again (& its a dope ass place with stellar peoples) and Im glad I FINALLY got to roll deep with Tara..cuz she's mad ttiigghht.
Except for that & the select few that have been putting a smile on my face...the rest of the world can suck my clit.
I seem to be encountering gentlemen callers one of two ways:
1. They dig me, but because of my mixed signals, lack of intimacy & horrible communication skills..they hate that they dig me, therefore take it out on me (completely understandable, but still sucks).
2. They're just not that into me.
I know it's like..MY FAULT & everything, but..fuck man. Can't I have a third option? A really cool one? Something really great that I don't know about?
On to more important topics..
Why I LOVE the Disney masterpiece Hercules!
It makes me weep. Not cry, but weep. Because the whole moral of the family-warped version of Greek legend is that life & love is more important than infamousy & power. He struggled his whole life to figure out where the fuck he belonged, on the way met a few cool cats that gave him a shove in the right direction & he finally regained godhood by proving himself a "real" hero. But the catch is, what proved him a real hero was doing something out of love (going into the depths of the underworld to save Megara) as opposed to an act that he thought would open the gates of Olympus for him. Thus him realizing..he didn't want to be a fuckin god. He would rather live a regular length life with Megara (& Philoctetes) than belong where his intentional "belonging" was...He gave up immortality for a broad & a satyr! That's awesome. It really makes me question shit. Like..if you were given the chance for immortality & power & fame, would there be ANYone in your life that would make you decide otherwise? Thats deep shit.
This picture makes me laugh SOOO MUCH. Cage was hatin on my drunken girled-out stooper.
"Have fun fucking --- & think how much better it is that I'm fucking -----" -That was probably one of the greatest moments of my Buffalo excursion.
Im being sued for 10 million dollars. And I am entirely serious. For "a loss of joy in life". Apparently a dented bumper can lead a man to experience that. Not to mention years of surgeries & distress. Even though the accident was almost 2 years ago. Even though he didnt need an ambulance. Even though he stood on his own two feet & talked coherently with me for an hour waiting for the police. Even though his car wasn't in a bad enough condition to get towed. He just drove away. Even though my insurance company already paid for all damages that he clarified back then (none including medical attention).
And then today was really fun when I had to take a bus instead of the train I paid for, because there was a chemical spill between Buffalo & Albany. In which the man next to me felt the need to smell like garbage & keep his hand on or under my upper thigh...ofcourse pretending it happened to go there during his sleep. And then a young man standing up for me told him to lay off me which he then responded "I'll ring your fucking neck, stay out of it!" And then me switching seats to sit with the gentlemanly young man & have the creepy smelly guy scream in my ear "What the fuck did I ever do to you, bitch?"
Im never going to accomplish the "3 Hottest from High School" thing apparently, but I am very appreciative of numbers 2 & 3. Atleast I made it 2/3's there.
Im really ecstatic to kick it with Mrs.Parks & her son for the next few days. My life kind of rules.
Im going to Comicon today & I find that HIGHLY ammusing.
I forgot to announce to the world that I met Cage & he hated my drunken stoopered GUTS, but we did get in the (sold out) show for free. Sometimes I thank the Gods for being a mildly charming girl.
I found out the other day that when I have ONE beer it equals THREE beers. Im not going to tell you why, but Im pretty sure you'd know it. So the blackouts are here to stay, my friends. The making out, the taking off of the pants, the fighting boys. Jesus, I love lyfe.
I have pink highlights in my hair.
And see everything rose tinted.
I dream in Law & Order.
And miss a certain lady a whole lot, even if she does talk too much.
I think it's kind of silly that people pursue their lyfe goals regardless of breaking connections & comfortable emotional circumstances. Like I did.
Constantly sunny, never under 70 degrees, arm in arm with my best friend & Meh-Hee-Cans sounds really good.
Im kind of tired of pretending Im chasing my dream when Im really just running in place.
I think that people should make themselves happy. Regardless of their own snotty high standards. Drugs make you happy, cool, I think theyre lame. But if it makes your heart pitter patter. I personally..want to drive a car. Have a girl that makes me laugh on a daily basis. Not deal with winter. A beach near by. Be thousands of miles away from the ghost that seems to never fucking go away (even though Im hundreds of miles away). That would be the ultimate release. The ultimate peace, to sound completely lame.
Ive still got a minute here. The retarded hustle. The cold. The hardship for no reason other than population. The time consumption of transportation. The guns & bloody (<- not speaking British, literally blood shed)misery I see. The lonliness. After a year & a half.
But ya know, I listen to South. The coffees really good. Its the second best living situation ever (out of about 87). I know a few pretty girls that are a total ball to be with. And sometimes I run into Kieran Culkin.
Wednesday, February 21st, 2007
Time:
9:05 am.
Wow. I really fucked up. I just realized it. I really fucked up. & Im so sorry. & that doesn't make up for it. Or matter, cuz you ain't going to read this. Shit.
I feel like if I plan a party, no one shows up. Am I fooling myself into thinking Im mildly cool? Im not even saying supa dupa always hip before everyone else oozes character without saying much cool. Im not talking Chloe Sevigny cool here. Im talking maybe like..Taryn Manning cool. She's kinda weird looking, but some people think she's sexy sometimes, she does really bad movies & isnt quite on the radar (or the underground radar for that matter), but if her name were brought up to Mos Def, he would remember "that girl from Hustle & Flow".
Okay, so Im still stretching it, but the point is, I have super not good self esteem. And the fact that every single one of my closests friends in the near vacinity didn't come, not to mention the one that did (which happens to be a roomate) is ripping on me for an hour about how unpopular I am & proceeds to go to bed dying of bordem (until he heard the ruckus of more than my voice, which he then proceeded to come back upstairs). And seriously, I have NO fucking reason to be pissed at all my closest bros, because they all had overly legitimate excuses. Fuck, I wouldnt even call them excuses, Id call them reasons. So Im not REALLY mad. Just extremely dissappointed & questioning my exsistance as a person to my friends.
So the point of this moping & huffing is to say I had a fucking gggrrreeaaaaaattttt time with people I hardly know (except for how well they kiss) & I hope they dont hate on my TOO hard for being a raging dyke. And I hope to see a lot more of them. Lots Lots, Soon Soon. Especially Soung & Mari & Shannon.
And now, enjoy how ugly I get when Im drunk & play spin the bottle with 5 girls.(I think there may have been a few boys present, but honest to goodness, I dont recall.)
And to people that hate on how obnoxious I am when Im drunk, FUCK OFF! Cuz I have hella bitchin fun.
A mildly themed event at my humble abode in anti-celebration of the lamest holiday created! Try not to wear ANY pink or red. Wearing black is preferable. Don't bring a date that you love/intend on being exclusive with (aka NO COUPLES..Unless youre one of those really dope couples that kiss other people & have your own lives)(Tots don't worry it's not a creepy swingers party, we just don't want any aroma of love..just FUN!) It's BYOB, but I will have baked goodies (maybe even some vegan-friendly stuff too)! Hit me up for details/directions- AIM: At Seats Edge / E-mail: EBoomBoom@yahoo.com. I aint given out my number, but if you have it, by all means utilize it!
Tall 12 foot ceilings, track spot lighting, all blonde hardwood top to bottom. Playing Apples to Apples (A pretty okay game, unless everyone in the room goes to Brown & writes obscure African countries & big medical words for funny parts that you don't know..then it fucking sucks) with boys with tight black pants from WESC, Vanilla Ice fades, & beat up high top Dunks (although I cant front, i LOVE Dunks). Then the Norwegian (who actually grew up in France)blonde boy with beautiful dick sucking lips pulls out a baggy & cuts coke up into about 6 lines on the top of a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah cd case & passes it around the room, starting with the tossled mousey brown haired girl knitting a dull grey scarf. Everyone takes a hit (is hit the right word?)besides the girl that has a Supercuts haircut & wears pumps from Target. And she bolts out the door.
Sometimes I truely hate Brooklyn sometimes. Cuz thats mostly what it's about. And it's mad gross. Don't get me wrong, I love it here & even some aspects of the trends. Im just saying, when the room is overflowing with it..how am I the only one that thinks it's hilariously trying so hard?
You seem so cool and fun. All the guys that get to be friends with you are so lucky. And if a guy was cool and secure enough to realize that girls with lots of guy friends were the best kind cause they obviously understood guys I bet you would be the best girlfriend too.
Just wanted to say that...and Hi I guess...
love, ----
Really man..THAT sucks. Im never going to be able to hide the fact that I bro down. L-A-M-E!
Pluses & Minuses of the Past Few Weeks:
+A severely numerous amount of DVRed Golden Girls and Law & Order
+Listening to shitty mainstream music (ie. Pussycat Dolls, Beyonce, Gwen Stefani, Rooney) & reading PerezHilton.com
+NOT drinking every night (Im actually down to about 2 nights a week)
+Getting asked on a date by a beautiful, talented black man
+A full day of 70 degree weather (full of sunshine & short sleeves)
+Finishing an (another)Ackerman & (my 12th)Bukowski book
+Kissing a Jew(that smells like old spice!)
+Making my papa smile
+Seeing my brother & sister in law
-Sluts with STDS
-Drugs
-Tight fiscal situation
-My procrastination (leading me to not go to school until Fall)
-Going on a plane
-Somehow always fucking up with certain peoples
-Buffalo Whores (I suppose that mildly goes hand in hand with with the first one because 1 out of 2 people in Buffalo are ridden with something.)
-Hearing about Buffalo drama
-Missing my "slutty red belt"
I honestly love Buffalo. I truely will never hold any city in higher regard. And I love sooo many fucking people that still remain there. But I left for a reason. And I re-realized that reason when I was there for WAY too long (long enough to get tangled up in it for a second). Im tired of hearing the crude judgements/statements people say about me. Im tired of hearing the sex connections get closer & closer knit. Im tired of hearing about old lovers new lovers. Brooklyn has it's super lame ways, but its my home for now. And I live in a beautiful apartment & don't know enough people to have severe drama (which will change eventually OBVS!) & just read books & hang out with the same few people every day & drink the same coffee & still enjoy that pulsating energy from time to time when I leave my comfortable, quiet nook in Greenpoint.
I totally realized last night that sadly, but honestly..I have a fucking "deal". Im kind of super bummed about it. I mean I know those people that have "deals". They always have to one-up you (props jenny wilson for that mario bros. phrasing). Or they always make themselves the victim. Or they always mooch. Ecetera, ecetera. I, myself. Im not a phone friendly person. I am literally THE most handicapped person when it comes to communication. Im honest to goodness not really sure why that is. Maybe it's my overbearing shyness. Maybe it's my hatred for the mobile device. I don't know. I don't know, Im not a doctor. But realizing this major flaw has brought to my attention two correlating thoughts.
1: I completely understand why people cannot stand to be my friend, because of this nasty habit. It seems cold. It seems straight up like I don't want to talk to you & don't like you(Which for the record, is NOT true for 96% of the time. If you have my number, that means I gave it to you & I kinda tots dig you). It's a major drag when I lose dope people, because of this habit. But it's a stuck situation that will never change. I better my ways from time to time. But then I go & throw my phone in a river. Or cry on it so hard, it dies. Things like that.
2: My gnarly habit is a fair trade for say, someones constant mood swings. Or someones unrelentless, neverending ability to complain & how much they love to do so. This may be totally unprecedented, but whatevs. I find it legit. I put up with peoples lame drug habits, or the way they handle themselves drunk, or their love for being right & their disguisting habit of subtley smothering it my face, or their way of constantly victimizing themselves & turning the tables so the blame is always mine. Like any mildly decent human being, I don't fuss over peoples shitty "qualities", because I enjoy their overall person so much, it aint no biggy. And therefore I think, if you enjoy me enough. Deal with my "deal".
Another thing I was contemplating in my Colt45 induced stage was that I fucking HATE narcassistic people. Don't laugh. Wait, let me explain. Im superficial. NOT narcassistic. And yes, there is a complete difference. Being superficial (me) entails that you know & understand the importance of aesthetic in todays society. Looking presentable & pleasing to the eye is important. Being knowledgable of this pretty much sick obsession of the world is smart. And leads me to not leave the house without makeup. Wear too much eye makeup to take the focus off my big Guido nose. And leads others to get plastic surgery. Dye their hair. Wear a shirt that hides their unfit belly & a tight short skirt that rocks their hot legs & ass. Bleach their teeth. Grow facial hair, to hide..anything. Ecetera. But under no circumstance would I say I am hot. You will pretty much never hear those words escape my lips unless I just got back from spooning with a drop dead gorgeous man that told me he loves me & Im completely intoxicated. I simply think I do the best I can with what I gots. I try to downplay the unattractive qualities & upplay the decent aspects. Which everyone has the right to do. I would say Im presentable. Not good looking. Which brings me to my next point. Narcassists are dilluded. Entirely. They pretty much just make me laugh, but considering I live in New York City & am a stones throw away from the trendiest, most pretentious part of Brooklyn..it even makes me frown sometimes. All I have to say is..you're not hot to everyone. Some people actually think you're ugly. Some people even worse, don't look at you. You don't even turn heads. There are hotter people in the state, the city, a 5 block radius. Its hilarious to see a girl throw her hair back, lift up her shirt & complain how she's fat while she licks her lips & is secretly secreting over her reflection. Fishing is for the sea, women! I suppose in a way I am jealous of narcassists. They are so dillusional, that they are always satisfied with how they look, cuz they think they always look good. It must be a timid state of mind to never think ill of yourself (I pertain mostly to the female pursuasion, because usually dudes are cocky about how intelligent/talented they are or how good they fuck or how hot their girl is. They for the most part don't care how good looking they are). I've seen obsession of image perfection stretch so far that it completely consumes someone to the point where they have no personality, theyre only chatter is of their waist measurements & daily calorie intake. I suppose it's not right for a superficial bitch to judge a narcassistic bitch. But I guess, Im just a bitch.
On a completely non- overcontemplative note.. It was 70 degrees & bright sunny out two days ago. And me & the boys walked around til the sun went down.
Im honestly the happiest girl ever. I love how shit came/is coming together. I adore the boys & living with them. I love not living with girls (& believe you, me. Im positive they are all just as happy). I love this awkward urge to go to school & my parents being okay with me not going to a reputable institution. I love my dads many hookups with social worker-esque agencies & jobs for me here(fingers crossed the next ones HR girl isnt a cunt). I loved seeing my favorite band for the first time in 4 years. I love that the day I came back to Brooklyn & up until two days ago we had an abundance of guests (which forced me to be social for like 10 days straight..wicked). I love being single & able to kiss cute boys (although none have been chubby enough). I love my drum set & my unearthed love for making music. I love the noise outside my window .& the Polish dialogue. & drinking Colt45s with Cait. & mad(angry) long talks with Jena. & dating Kieran Culkin. HA JK. But Im totally going to. I just wish he would get a little chunkier. I love me some unfit bruthas.
By the way, not that ANYone reading this lives near me, but we're having an Anti-Valentine's Day Valentine's Day party at our humble abode on or around February 14th. Final details will be worked out before the 1st. We were going to make it a swingers party & only invite non-couples, but I think that's tots going too far. We'll brainstorm goofy themes & such.
- I lived in THREE different apartments in Brooklyn
- I added TWO to The Treasure Book
- I blacked out of approximately 3 whole months
- I actually let someone call me their girlfriend (for only a minute)
- I saw GlassJaw for the first time in FOUR years
- I got sun poisoning twice
- I reunited with my girl from years ago
- I got a beergut
- I got a drum set
- I started singing again & recording it
- I got my car stolen
- I almost got raped by a big man with a fuzzy sweater that "promised me hopes of stardom"
- I had my first close encounter with a glock on the subway
- I saw Elijah Wood, David Cross, Kevin Connelly, & Kieran Culkin a bunch
- I threw my phone against a wall, a car, & almost in the east river
- I got conned into losing a wad of cash & my sidekick in the lamest way imaginable
- I did not work one single day
- I decided art school sucks
- I flew for the first time in FOUR years & had a panic attack & a rash all over my body for a week
- I DID NOT get on the flight back to Buffalo
- I spent approximately 4 weeks on a train
- I drank absinthe & liquor from China that had not only two dead rattlesnakes in it, but their venom as well
- I turned TWENTY years old
This past year was severe to say the least! But Im so glad it occured. Now Im in a mad good spot.
Im living in one of the most ideal situations possible- I just had to go through two beforehand that were hell.
Im starting to sing & put music together & am learning to play the drums- I just had to fail miserabley at the ONE thing I thought I was going to base my life around (Photography) & realize I didnt know what the fuck I wanted to do or was good at.
Im finally over my dillusion of needing a relationship. I finally want to be alone- I just had to have a good friend convince me it was a great idea to be in one with him & then brush me off like it aint no thing & humiliate the shit out of me
Im finally over my incredibley judgemental way about drugs & it being the deciding factor of hatin on someone- I just had to have some of the greatest people in my life do blow & E.
Im still not okay with not being a teenager anymore. It breaks my heart. And I find myself attempting to grab the edges of the screen & hold on to this moment right now & not let time go any further. But its never going to stop. Willing it aint helping. I just gots to make due with the time I got.
I always like New Years, because its a damned good excuse to have motivation for fresh ssshhhhiitt.
Good luck for all ya'll in Two Thousand Seven.
Sunday, December 17th, 2006
Time:
5:54 pm.
There are two different kinds of hate.
There's the hate that you feel for someone you once loved. This hate is super intense, but it still stems from love. The roots just spawn into feeling betrayed or disappointed greatly. Its like feeling cloud 9 about somebody & then staying just as high up, but then it turns into a dark grey raincloud.
Then there's the kind of hate that just starts at ground level. You never agreed with thus hated persons appearance, mannerisms, actions, ect. That kind of hate has nowhere to go but down. Six feet deep. But it doesnt get under your skin like the first type of hate. It bothers you, but it doesnt consume you.
I fucking hate you. But atleast its the first type.
GLASSJAW is playing in the city on the 29th. NO JOKE. Its been years & pretty much any time I recall this fact, I cream my pants. Thank gawd for Rachel DiBouno. She saved my life.
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